Written by Rio Denali
An Old Man and an Old Woman were going down the road.  He was driving; she was leaning against the passenger door, looking out the window at the world going by.  Her mind wandered back to the beginning of their relationship, and how much things have changed.  "He is so different now," she thinks to herself,  and she can't help but feel angry with her husband.


"You know," she said, "we used to drive down the road snuggled up close.  Now you are way over there, and I am way over here -- with miles in between us.  I miss the old days when you were so romantic.  What happened to us?"


The Old Man drives along, listening to his wife and thinking about what she said. After a moment, he turns to her, "Honey... I never moved."




How we frame an event greatly influences our response and feelings about it.


Somewhere in my early 20's while I was a newlywed in a marriage that no longer exists, I had the benefit of an older, wiser friend.  She was in her early 30's at the time.  After suffering a marriage that nightmares are made of, followed by a horrendous divorce -- my friend had gone on to marry the man of her dreams.   


One day, while visiting her home, I stopped to admire a new desk lamp.  Gushing with romantic stars in her eyes, she told me that it was a birthday gift from her husband.  I had never seen her so happy, and having witnessed the abuse her ex-husband had put her through -- I was thrilled for her.  But, at the same time, I found myself twinging with a bit of jealousy.  We talked in the frank way that long-time friends do, and I found myself complaining that my husband--who couldn't name my birthday if his life depended on it--would never do something so thoughtful for me.


Seeing my distress and utter depression, "I think I need to explain," she said.  It turns out that her husband (an Army guy) was deployed during her birthday.  She had seen the lamp in a store, and when she mentioned it to him on the telephone he told her to go back and buy it.


Doesn't sound quite as romantic when put that way, does it?  But, to her--it was the most romantic gift in the world.


Instead of complaining that her husband "was gone on her birthday - again", or "didn't buy her a gift on his own", she looked at that lamp as a gesture of his complete love and devotion.  The lamp represented the man she loved so deeply, wanting to fulfill her every wish -- to give her everything she wanted -- and if she wanted that lamp then he was going to make sure she got it whether he could "give" it to her in person or not.  The lamp that she physically bought herself, to her, was the most romantic gift he could have given.


Looking back, she gave me some of the best marital advice I have ever heard:  "We can all find fault with our spouse.  A good marriage comes from recognizing the loving gestures."


It is easy to dwell on the negative while "keeping score".  But, focusing only on the bad will skew your outlook.  Take time to recognize the many ways your spouse shows you that they love you.  Does he take out the trash before leaving for work so that you won't have to do it?  Did she pick up your favorite brand of ice cream at the store?   Did he fill the gas tank so you wouldn't have to stand out in the cold?  Did she save you some hot water so you could shower in comfort?


Grand gestures are great for Hollywood.  But, it is the little day-to-day gestures that make up the happiness of a real marriage.

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Four year old Paige Bennethum was heartbroken when her father was deployed overseas, so much so that she could not let go of his hand even as he stood in final formation before shipping out to Iraq.

As reported on NBC News out of Philadelphia, neither her father, Army Reservist Staff Sgt. Brett Bennethum, nor his commanding officer, had the heart to make her let go.

Let us be ever mindful of the young heroes, the military children, and the sacrifices they are forced to make.

I was talking to a friend in Europe earlier today, and was reminded of a funny story...


In the mid 1990's (during a previous life and a previous marriage) I lived in beautiful Gelnhausen, Germany.




Background information:

• To receive mail in Germany, you must first register at a government office.  (Similar to a city hall.)

• My German is bad.  I liken my ability to that of a 2-year old; generally I can get my point across but rarely is it grammatically correct. 

Now that you have the basic background information, let the story begin....


As I entered the town office to register for mail, I found myself in the presence of a friendly older gentleman.  He was the only one in the office, and apparently things were slow that day...so he stopped to chat with me for a while.


He did not speak English, and I speak very little German, but with some patience we managed to strike up a long conversation. As I filled out the paperwork and paid the registration fee, he told me about his only daughter's upcoming wedding and showed me her photographs.


We talked of many things that afternoon, of family and traveling, of food and the local area.  And, we talked about what it is like to be far from home.



He asked about my German last name, if my family was from Germany... Smiling, I told him he was correct.  My father's grandfather was born there.


He asked if I knew which city?  I told him it was Chemnitz (in eastern Germany, near Dresden and just west of the Czech border.)





He smiled and told me he suspected as much... and serenaded me with an old German song about the prettiest girls coming from the east...


Then he asked if I knew my great-grandfather's name and the year he emigrated to America?"  I knew both.


We talked for a short time longer, before I had to go.


A few weeks later, I received my first German letter.  It was official correspondence from the German government, and far beyond my reading level. 


I took the letter to my German neighbor, asking her to translate.  As she read, she burst into laughter.... asking me just what I said when I registered for my mail?


It turns out the letter was an official invitation to turn in my American passport.  I was to bring it to a specific office to make the trade for a German one, and reclaim my German birthright.  Apparently Germany has a repatriation law that allows people who can prove German heritage to return to the homeland.


It would seem that my German is worse than I thought: the man from that government office had filled out the paperwork on my behalf after our conversation.  To this day I have always wondered if he was just trying to be nice, or if it was something I said?



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The excerpt from the letter begins here:




Well, that is the excerpt of the letter...  It is just a bit of insight into what it was like living overseas.  Yes, it was fun to sample the best of Europe, and travel a bit.  But what I really took home was a new way of looking at the world...




 

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Written by Rio Denali

Isn't it interesting that we are universally offended to be judged by our race, gender, nationality, and ethnic background, but we welcome being judged by our birth date?


If I wrote here that all people of X race are impulsive, quick-tempered, passionate, and vengeful--I would violate every social and political rule that exists.


Now, replace X race with Scorpios, and my judgments are welcomed in polite society, even enjoyed and sought after for entertainment or guidance. Why is a judgment based on a birthday considered wisdom, rather than discrimination or prejudice?


I am not commenting on the accuracy or inaccuracy of Astrology, only that it is ironic that in our society where pre-conceived judgments about a person are taboo, a practice of marking a person based on the day they were born is socially acceptable.


Don't like my observation? It's probably because I am a Scorpio....we are confrontational you know.

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A while ago, I wrote an article, Why do People Cheat?, chronicling the affairs of two of my best friends.  Both led charmed lives with a handsome husband who adored them, a great sex life, financial security, adorable children...  And, both said they still loved their spouse.   They risked it all to have purely recreational affairs--fun and games with no emotional component.  Neither were in love with the "other man" and told me that even if they were single they would never consider a serious relationship with him.


But, what happens when there is more to it?  What happens when you meet the person of your dreams, but are already married to someone else?


Two of my closest male friends have faced this recently.


After 6 years of marriage, Dennis* is not happy and realizes that unless he leaves his wife, he may never be.  Chalk it up to irreconcilable differences (he wants children but his wife refuses) or perhaps growing apart (they are no longer connecting on many levels), either way his marriage is dying a slow death.  


I think it's naively romantic to imagine there is only one happy ending possible, or that there is only one "right" person for each of us.  The potential number of good matches is very small, but in the course of our lifetime we will meet a few of them--that perfect moment when the planets collide and two people connect on levels that take their breath away.




For Dennis, there was only one answer.  After a whirlwind week of constant conversation and dreaming of nothing but her....he did the "right" thing and broke it off completely.  He said it wasn't fair to the woman of his dreams, nor his wife.  Although his marriage probably couldn't be repaired, he could not morally close the door until the last effort had been exhausted.


There is a natural process that happens when a relationship ends, and the longer the history between the two people, the longer the process can take.  Relationships take time to grow; they also take time to die.  And until the final exhale, and you are done grieving, you remain entangled in the past.


My friend Doug's* story went a different path.  He maintained the affair for some time, eventually making plans to leave his wife.  He could not resist the siren's call of new love.  In the end though....things did not go as he planned.  After he came clean with his spouse, they decided to make a last-ditch effort to work out their problems and salvage the marriage.


In both cases, the men were left feeling emotionally vulnerable and raw.  The "other" women went through a dark and painful journey, and were ultimately left alone by the men they loved.  And, Doug's wife was emotionally devastated when she learned her husband had fallen in love with another woman.


Can either marriage be salvaged?  I doubt it, but they have to try.


In the 80's I saw a movie called "War Games", where a game-playing robot was created to guard/use the "launch" button on the United States' nuclear arsenal in case of human incapacitation.  Of course, something went wrong and it seized control during a training event....almost creating a nuclear war.  (Classic robot-taking-over type of flick so prevalent back then....)


What I remember the most about the movie was the final scene.  Just as the robot went to launch missile attacks, the hero engaged the robot in war gaming--having it play out all of the possible end scenarios.  As the robot processed through the strategies and probable outcomes, it realized this was a game that no one could win.


Affairs are much the same way, particularly ones that encompass the heart.  Eventually the relationship will progress to a level high enough to require a commitment.  (Very few people have the fortitude or patience to remain the "other" man or woman forever, and few married people can sustain long term affairs successfully.)


At that point, a choice will have to be made.  Someone will get hurt.  Often, everyone will get hurt.


The simplistic solution remains to avoid the situation entirely. But generally-speaking, this is not possible.  One cannot avoid the world.  There will be temptations, and most likely at some point there will be a cosmic moment.  You may take Dennis' approach  -- or Doug's -- but the decision you make will define the rest of your life.


*name changed to protect identity, of course

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Written by Rio Denali

I have two close friends who professed to have it all: A husband they were madly in love with, a great sex life, owned a lovely home, adorable children, were financially secure, had a great reputation ….then they risked it all by cheating. Neither understood why they were doing it.


Both said the other man was “less than” their husband. In both cases, the other man was not as attractive as their husband — and he was not the sort of man either would ever want to marry. (Both said even if they were single, they would not end up with the other man—he was exclusively a fling.)


Neither of these women would ever consider leaving their husbands for the other man. They were not “in love” with these men in the traditional sense.


So, I have to ask myself why?




It’s not only women doing it. We see it everyday on the news—some politician caught up in a scandal. Sex in an airport bathroom, high-priced call girls, a lover in another country. A revolving parade of scandal and deception. These men are throwing away their family and career for an affair. Christie Brinkley is arguably one of the most beautiful women in the world. Her husband had an affair too. It would seem no one is immune.


What makes people cheat? Why risk a lifetime of accomplishment—career, family, prestige--for something that is not intended to be permanent?


My husband theorizes that people build lives they are ill-equipped to handle. We may love being a parent, and a spouse, and a homeowner, but many of us inwardly collapse under the constant pressure and responsibilities. Maintaining a household, children, and a family as well as a marriage takes a lot of work. Add the pressure of day-to-day life—laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. And, the other chores--keeping up the yard, changing the oil in the car, giving the dog a bath--plus a career… and well... life gets full fast. The person we once were gets away from us. One day we wake up with a pile of laundry and a yard full of dog shit and wonder, “How the hell did I get here?”


With no time for ourselves, and little for our marriage, we begin to dream of an escape—a moment just for us, just for ourselves, where we are not “mommy” or “daddy”, but a vibrant, autonomous, sensual person once again….if even for a moment or only an afternoon. And, when opportunity knocks, sometimes it is more than we can do to say, “No.”


We cheat because the other person gives us what we do not get at home; the opportunity to be ourselves with no strings attached. It isn’t an affair of the heart, it is an affair with one’s self. It is an affair where we are the person we long to be, and we can forget about the leaking roof, or the nagging spouse, or all of the other things on our mind….and laugh. Carefree, if only for the moment, we can indulge in the simple pleasures of life; feeling close to another human being, physical intimacy, the pleasure of another’s attention. We escape the reality of the life we have constructed for ourselves, and can be anyone we want—funny, vivacious, flirtatious, erotic… And, that is what is hard to say “no” to.

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Marie* is wildly successful.  She was a pioneer in the ever-popular homemaking-website industry, creating her first website back before there were any others--and initially writing all of her own articles.  Now 10 years later, she runs a mini-empire, with 10 websites, a subscription service, paid advertisers and a small army of writers submitting articles to her for syndication.  Even still, she does much of her own writing yet today, and the articles she authors still  remain some of the most popular on her websites.
 
However, when I met her, she didn't tell me all of that.  Marie is charming and personable--and definitely a consummate professional.  Instantly likable and a true people-person, she is one of the best professional networkers I have ever met.  But when we met, Marie left out some very important parts of her resume...she only told me she was a small business owner.  As we talked more, she told me a bit about the success of  her websites.  Talking in depth over the next few weeks, we covered many aspects of the business, and Marie described herself and her work many ways but never once did she claim the title of "writer" or "author".  In fact, it was about a month into our friendship before I realized she did any writing at all.


Marie has been featured on HGTV and  in Parenting Magazine--and has been reprinted by many other nationally recognizable names; the stuff of any author's dreams.  She has even co-authored a book you may have seen in a bookstore.  Yet Marie did not consider herself a writer.


Being a person who tends to think in psychological terms, I found this most peculiar.  I have met many self-promoters who make their accomplishments out to be more than reality, but I have not met many people good at networking, who do not accept full credit for their accomplishments and promote them with gusto.


When I pointed this out to Marie, the woman who uses words for a living, sat speechless.

"But I am not actually a writer."


"Haven't you made money from writing?"


"Yes."


"In fact, isn't that how you have been supporting your family?"


"Yes, of course."


"And, this has been your sole occupation for the last decade, right?"


"Yes."


"At what point do you get to claim the title of writer?  You do it full-time, make an income from it, and are considered a professional in your field.  Everyone else considers you a writer.  You have already had more success in your writing career than most writers ever do...what will it take for you to consider yourself one?"

 




Or the woman who sits up at night writing the great American novel--at what point does she get to wear the title "writer" proudly?  Is it once she finishes that first novel?  Cashes the first check?  Or is the act of writing itself, performed regularly--even if no one ever reads a word--enough to justify the using the title with pride?


As we discussed this subject, Marie told me about a business seminar she had attended the month before, about being most impressed by a woman who introduced herself as an author.  From the way she carried herself, Marie assumed this woman had published many books.  It was only after talking for a period of time, that Marie realized this woman had never been published at all....in fact, she was still working on her very first novel, yet the woman wore the title of writer with the pride that only comes from a true sense of accomplishment.


Marie said that the irony was not lost on her at the time:  that she, the professional published author, was introducing herself as a small-business owner, while the woman who had not yet finished her first work introduced herself as a writer.  But, even that bit of irony did not push Marie to make the self-concept leap toward adopting the title of "author".


Many labels are an arbitrary thing we assign ourselves.  Someone who writes in her spare time may consider herself an writer, while a paid professional may not.
When not officially bestowed through ceremony or circumstance, a title is often something that we "are" internally and (sometimes but not always) wear externally for the world to see.  It is the sometimes public and always personal definition of a part of our self.  The moment of the first brush stroke, and the moment a person begins thinking of themselves as an artist are two separate events...at some point a mental leap is made, and the title is incorporated into the psyche; a shift in self-perception is made.


Often natural triggers help us make this leap.  Once a person begins spending a significant amount of time in the pursuit of their craft, or once they begin making a certain income from it (particularly if it allows them to "quit their day job") that is when the shift in self image is usually triggered.  But, there are cases where the changes happen so slowly, over a period of years, that there is no natural definitive shift point. 


If you are a stay-at-home mom who begins making a little money from a hobby.... and if success is a slowly built thing, taking place over a number of years instead of all at once... at what point do you consider yourself a professional in your field?  Take my friend for example, at what point did she become a "writer"?  It is hard to pinpoint an exact date, but I think it is safe to agree that she is there now.


Unofficial Experimental Research


They say the recipe for success in the workplace comes down to this:  identify the position you want and dress for it; act like you already have it; carry yourself in a manner befitting the job.


That advice fits in perfectly with the ever-popular Law of Attraction, which states that:

" people's thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) dictate the reality of their lives, whether or not they're aware of it." -Wikipedia

So, why did my friend, who is so grounded in reality in every other way, fail to see what no one else missed?   Secretly I suspect it stems from low self-esteem.  Despite her incredible accomplishments, she did not feel as though she measured up to the accomplishments of others.


Toward the end of our conversation, I challenged Marie to an experiment:  Introduce herself as an author 10 times over the next month. 


Even I could see the difference.  There was something about declaring herself an author to others that finally allowed Marie to incorporate it into her own self-image.  Her new-found confidence was good for her writing and her business, bringing greater web-traffic and ultimately greater ad revenue.   Absorbing the title into her self identity gave her the professional boost she needed to take her business to the next level.




We have all been told not to label our children and not to accept labels put on us by others.  We have been told that labels damage us psychologically, they limit our growth and inhibit our creativity.  However, I would also say that not accepting a label you have earned can be equally as limiting.  I am not a dedicated follower of the Law of Attraction, but there does seem to be something to it; accepting a positive label inwardly, and projecting it outwardly can attract success.


Looking in from the outside, it is easy to see the change that Marie's self-granted title made; the difference in her career when she claimed credit for her success was a pleasure to watch.  I wonder how many of us are doing the same thing?  Take a moment to ponder this question for yourself:  Do you have any missing titles that could make a difference in your life?  Might be worth a closer look.


*Marie's name was changed to protect her identity.

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Time management is going to do me in.

Call it an early New Year's resolution:  I have decided to get in shape. But finding time for the gym  is proving to be a challenge.


I ignore my to-do list to focus attention on the gym.  After 3 or 4 days in a row of this, I take a day off to get caught up on everything .... but a recovery day turns into 3 or 5.  Being the analytical person I am, I started wondering what is making me do this.  There is only one answer:  poor time management skills.


I work from the time I wake up until I go to bed.  I run one mid-sized and several small businesses from home while taking care of 3 children.  (Did I mention that I homeschool too?)  Perpetual motion from the time I wake up in the morning until long after everyone else goes to bed, and I never seem to get it all done.  In taking an honest look though, I see several time-sucking black-holes in my day.


Twitter is ruining my day.  It really is addictive, isn't it?  This is my escape.  I spend way too much time reading, tweeting, re-tweeting, and following others.  Yes, I do enjoy it and often find some great information that really helps in my quest to improve.  But, there are days that I do not manage to fit in a workout--yet I managed to fit in an hour on Twitter.  Success is never a by-product of misplaced priorities.



TV.  I am not a bad offender, but even watching a couple shows a day makes a difference.  Two 1-hour shows per day, Monday through Friday = 10 hours per week spent in front of the television. I have come to the conclusion that the answer is not turning off the TV, but rather turning TV watching into a workout opportunity.  Imagine the difference, in a course of a year, if you put an exercise bike in front of that television.



Not planning meals.  Healthy food can be cooked inexpensively with little time spent preparing--if you plan ahead.  Put some lean meat, fresh veggies and seasonings in a crock pot... simmer for a few hours....and with only a few minutes of work you have a healthy, delicious meal.  Beats my current method:  wait until the last minute when everyone is starving...throw the kids in the car...and drive to McDonalds.  Planning ahead would save half on calories and cost (and save 100% of the guilt.)



Feeling guilty.  Ok, this one does not truly sap time, but it certainly saps energy which leads to getting less done.  It is important to let go of the past, and focus instead on making each day better than the last.

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Written by Rio Denali

You ask about the most important lesson I have learned in the past 10 years? Well, If you want to give me a little more leeway—say 15 years—I could dazzle you with fantastic experiences, each of which was a lesson in it’s own right. I have hung over the extended rear-ramp of a Chinook helicopter in-flight, was assigned to a 128’ Army tugboat in the Puget Sound, and was chased through the streets of Panama during a military deployment. I could write a firsthand account about the architectural and cultural differences between eastern and western Europe, and the toll an ineffective governmental regime can take on a country. I would tell you how making friends with an older German man—one who told me stories about being a 14-year-old running from the American soldiers at the end of WWII, certain he would be killed if captured--changed my perspective on war; opening my eyes to it’s brutal effects on children. My military and life adventures have taken me around the globe. I have met incredible people along the way, some of whom have changed the way I see the world.


However, for the last 10 years I have devoted myself to raising children. While it does not make for the same excitement, the most important lessons of my life have come from my time as a parent. For example: sometimes a Superman costume is brilliant attire for the grocery store.


Compromise and negotiation are art forms taught to perfection in the boot camp of parenthood. There are battles that must be won at all costs: “Do not touch the stove.” “Look both ways before you cross the street.” “Do not put your brother in the clothes dryer.” Then, there are the other battles--the battles that are forgotten about the next day, over things that in the “grand scheme of things” really mean very little. Compromise is a matter of setting priorities and choosing your battles wisely. Not all battles are equal and if you approach every point of contention with the same heightened intensity, you will exhaust yourself and ultimately lose authority. While I still stand my ground against the girls curling our golden retriever’s hair with a curling iron, I have learned the value of negotiation when it comes to allowing a toddler to wear a Spiderman costume to the grocery store in exchange for eating vegetables at lunchtime.


“What does this have to do with law?”, you are surely asking yourself by now. Well, it is simple. Few cases actually make it to trial. In law, settlement is king—and settlements are only reached through the art of negotiation and compromise. My experience of parenting a large family provides me with years of expertise in this area. Seriously, who is better qualified to successfully negotiate a compromise than a woman who can get a toddler to eat vegetables? Speaking of vegetables, I must be going now—it’s time to take Spiderman to the grocery store.

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As a busty blonde with a passion for all things feminine, Dolly Parton is often judged based on appearance alone.   But, as she herself will tell you:  there is more to her than meets the eye.


I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -- Dolly Parton


Her success story is well-known:  Dolly's journey from the one-room Tennessee cabin that her family called home, to the reigning Queen of Country Music hasn't been an easy one, and despite her success Dolly has never forgotten her humble beginnings.

I still close my eyes and go home - I can always draw from that.  --Dolly Parton

Storms make trees take deeper roots. --Dolly Parton


Early in her career, Dolly met country music legend, Johnny Cash, who told her to go where her heart took her and not to worry about what other people thought.


Dolly has followed this advice in beautiful Dolly-fashion, always being true to herself and refusing to allow anyone to pigeon hole her career.


She is an award-winning singer, song-writer and actress--as well as a successful business woman.  Some of Dolly's best known business ventures are Sandollar Productions, a television production company, and of course her namesake:  Dollywood Amusement Park, Pigeon Forge, Tennessee -- located in The Great Smoky Mountains.


I'm not going to limit myself just because people won't accept the fact that I can do something else.  --Dolly Parton


When I'm inspired, I get excited because I can't wait to see what I'll come up with next. --Dolly Parton


Dolly's look is well known.


While living in Europe many years ago I saw her interviewed on British television.  When asked about her signature style, she said it was simple really.


Dolly's answer went something like this:


One day Mama and I were walking down the street, and I saw the most beautiful woman coming toward us.  


She wore a silky dress and the highest heels I'd ever seen.  Her face was all done up in the prettiest makeup, and her hair was teased up to the heavens.  She had long fingernails painted bright red.  


I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.


It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen. --Dolly Parton


Dolly is also well-known for her flirtatiousness, but don't let that fool you.  She has been married to Carl Thomas Dean since 1966.





But, perhaps my favorite thing about Dolly is her ability to not take things too seriously.


With a contagious laugh, and the ability to laugh at herself....you just can't help but love her!






You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap! --Dolly Parton

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This article was originally featured on RioDancesOnTheSand.com, a blog for the thinking person... Written by Rio Denali, a 30-something with peculiar curiosities, who makes the observations that many of us avoid. Full of useful links and entertaining articles, it is a fun favorite for the intelligent reader. For more great articles like this, please visit RioDancesOnTheSand.com.