Written by Rio Denali
An Old Man and an Old Woman were going down the road.  He was driving; she was leaning against the passenger door, looking out the window at the world going by.  Her mind wandered back to the beginning of their relationship, and how much things have changed.  "He is so different now," she thinks to herself,  and she can't help but feel angry with her husband.


"You know," she said, "we used to drive down the road snuggled up close.  Now you are way over there, and I am way over here -- with miles in between us.  I miss the old days when you were so romantic.  What happened to us?"


The Old Man drives along, listening to his wife and thinking about what she said. After a moment, he turns to her, "Honey... I never moved."




How we frame an event greatly influences our response and feelings about it.


Somewhere in my early 20's while I was a newlywed in a marriage that no longer exists, I had the benefit of an older, wiser friend.  She was in her early 30's at the time.  After suffering a marriage that nightmares are made of, followed by a horrendous divorce -- my friend had gone on to marry the man of her dreams.   


One day, while visiting her home, I stopped to admire a new desk lamp.  Gushing with romantic stars in her eyes, she told me that it was a birthday gift from her husband.  I had never seen her so happy, and having witnessed the abuse her ex-husband had put her through -- I was thrilled for her.  But, at the same time, I found myself twinging with a bit of jealousy.  We talked in the frank way that long-time friends do, and I found myself complaining that my husband--who couldn't name my birthday if his life depended on it--would never do something so thoughtful for me.


Seeing my distress and utter depression, "I think I need to explain," she said.  It turns out that her husband (an Army guy) was deployed during her birthday.  She had seen the lamp in a store, and when she mentioned it to him on the telephone he told her to go back and buy it.


Doesn't sound quite as romantic when put that way, does it?  But, to her--it was the most romantic gift in the world.


Instead of complaining that her husband "was gone on her birthday - again", or "didn't buy her a gift on his own", she looked at that lamp as a gesture of his complete love and devotion.  The lamp represented the man she loved so deeply, wanting to fulfill her every wish -- to give her everything she wanted -- and if she wanted that lamp then he was going to make sure she got it whether he could "give" it to her in person or not.  The lamp that she physically bought herself, to her, was the most romantic gift he could have given.


Looking back, she gave me some of the best marital advice I have ever heard:  "We can all find fault with our spouse.  A good marriage comes from recognizing the loving gestures."


It is easy to dwell on the negative while "keeping score".  But, focusing only on the bad will skew your outlook.  Take time to recognize the many ways your spouse shows you that they love you.  Does he take out the trash before leaving for work so that you won't have to do it?  Did she pick up your favorite brand of ice cream at the store?   Did he fill the gas tank so you wouldn't have to stand out in the cold?  Did she save you some hot water so you could shower in comfort?


Grand gestures are great for Hollywood.  But, it is the little day-to-day gestures that make up the happiness of a real marriage.

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Some of you may have noticed my recent absence.  Let's just say that I was re-structuring my life. 


I was an addict.  Yes, it's true....I became addicted to Twitter and Blogspot.  Had to detox.


I have been maintaining 9 websites and multiple Twitter accounts--plus freelancing articles on the side....and to my utter amazement, I began finding a quick measure of success.  (Do I sound surprised?)


With each new mark of success came an added focus on my part, a driving need to improve my offerings and not disappoint readers.  I found myself obsessing about articles, the websites, about adding fresh content daily, and I began checking website stats almost hourly analyzing the data for trends.  It became a full-time obsession.  And, if you think that was bad.....well, I won't even tell you about my Twitter habit... Twitter was my porn.


Most brilliant people are affected by a touch of craziness, certainly all creative people are.  Think of Van Gogh's ear, your high school art teacher, or Einstein (have you seen his hair??)   Craziness: It is the plague of creative minds.


For me, the crazies take the form of hyper-focused attention (otherwise known as obsession).  I could be Monk's younger, blonder, less-Lebanese sister...  Some may call it OCD, but I have always called it straight A's... thank you very much.  [For those of you who don't know, Monk references an excellent, but unfortunately now canceled TV show on USA channel, starring Tony Shaloub.]


Perfectionism:  my longtime arch enemy and often my greatest benefactor.  I wanted to put out a great product for you, the reader..... but perfection in all areas is simply not realistic.  Faced with finite resources, limited time to get things done and only so much energy:  life is a balancing act.  Using a disproportionate amount of resources in any one area, steals them from another.  My cyber hyper-focus robbed other areas of my life, and it was time to make things right again.  I have written on this topic before, see When is "Good" Enough? (The 80% Solution).


My kids were getting unruly, my husband needy, and my ass started expanding -- yep, I had to do something drastic.  So, I quit cold-turkey.  Stopped checking stats.  Stopped everything.  (Well ok, I did do a little Twittering....)


I started spending more time reading to my kids, snuggling with my husband on the couch, and cooking family dinners from scratch.  I started baking again.  Dinners became more leisurely; life more relaxed.  I started spending more time at the gym and reading the dusty novels that were hibernating on my bookshelf.  After about a month the difference was amazing.  I became a new person, but more important were the differences in my marriage and with my kids.  Our entire family was happier.  And I was reminded that this is what life is about...


Now that my world is back in alignment you will be seeing my by-lines once again.  But, probably not as often as before.  As wise man once said, "Everything in moderation."

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I was talking to a friend in Europe earlier today, and was reminded of a funny story...


In the mid 1990's (during a previous life and a previous marriage) I lived in beautiful Gelnhausen, Germany.




Background information:

• To receive mail in Germany, you must first register at a government office.  (Similar to a city hall.)

• My German is bad.  I liken my ability to that of a 2-year old; generally I can get my point across but rarely is it grammatically correct. 

Now that you have the basic background information, let the story begin....


As I entered the town office to register for mail, I found myself in the presence of a friendly older gentleman.  He was the only one in the office, and apparently things were slow that day...so he stopped to chat with me for a while.


He did not speak English, and I speak very little German, but with some patience we managed to strike up a long conversation. As I filled out the paperwork and paid the registration fee, he told me about his only daughter's upcoming wedding and showed me her photographs.


We talked of many things that afternoon, of family and traveling, of food and the local area.  And, we talked about what it is like to be far from home.



He asked about my German last name, if my family was from Germany... Smiling, I told him he was correct.  My father's grandfather was born there.


He asked if I knew which city?  I told him it was Chemnitz (in eastern Germany, near Dresden and just west of the Czech border.)





He smiled and told me he suspected as much... and serenaded me with an old German song about the prettiest girls coming from the east...


Then he asked if I knew my great-grandfather's name and the year he emigrated to America?"  I knew both.


We talked for a short time longer, before I had to go.


A few weeks later, I received my first German letter.  It was official correspondence from the German government, and far beyond my reading level. 


I took the letter to my German neighbor, asking her to translate.  As she read, she burst into laughter.... asking me just what I said when I registered for my mail?


It turns out the letter was an official invitation to turn in my American passport.  I was to bring it to a specific office to make the trade for a German one, and reclaim my German birthright.  Apparently Germany has a repatriation law that allows people who can prove German heritage to return to the homeland.


It would seem that my German is worse than I thought: the man from that government office had filled out the paperwork on my behalf after our conversation.  To this day I have always wondered if he was just trying to be nice, or if it was something I said?



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Written by Rio Denali

Isn't it interesting that we are universally offended to be judged by our race, gender, nationality, and ethnic background, but we welcome being judged by our birth date?


If I wrote here that all people of X race are impulsive, quick-tempered, passionate, and vengeful--I would violate every social and political rule that exists.


Now, replace X race with Scorpios, and my judgments are welcomed in polite society, even enjoyed and sought after for entertainment or guidance. Why is a judgment based on a birthday considered wisdom, rather than discrimination or prejudice?


I am not commenting on the accuracy or inaccuracy of Astrology, only that it is ironic that in our society where pre-conceived judgments about a person are taboo, a practice of marking a person based on the day they were born is socially acceptable.


Don't like my observation? It's probably because I am a Scorpio....we are confrontational you know.

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My father raised me to be proud of my German heritage.  Like many Americans, our family did not have extensive detailed genealogical information (until recently), and my father had always believed his side of the family to be almost completely German.  He knew his grandfather had immigrated through Ellis Island from Germany in the early 1900's, and he had always assumed that the rest of the family was fully German as well.


When I moved to Germany, I expected to see people who looked exactly like me.  I had a German last name and growing up in Ohio, I had always been told--repeatedly been told--that I looked German.  But, it turns out that the American stereotype of Germans is wrong; they are not a homogeneous race of tall, muscular people with blue-eyes and blond hair. 


A few months after arriving in Germany, while sharing a bottle of wine with some new German friends, the topic came up.  When I mentioned being told I looked German while growing up, they all started laughing.  Honestly I felt a little offended.  I had always been taught to be proud of my German heritage, and here were Germans laughing at the idea of me being one of them.  To them, the idea that anyone would think I was German was hilarious.  They all agreed--I looked Swedish.  I explained that I didn't have a drop of Swedish blood, but it did little to convince them.  They all swore I was a Swede, NOT a German.


A decade later when I researched my genealogy in depth, I was surprised to find they were right.  Although I do have some family from Germany (the great-grandfather I mentioned earlier)... much of my lineage comes from the Vikings who settled in Sweden, Norway, and The Netherlands. 


My ancestors were the fierce, nomadic warriors who conquered and populated much of northern Europe.  Depending on which generation you look at, they inhabited much of the region; from Iceland to as far east as the Ukraine, conquering into parts of modern-day Germany, and taking the Normandy region of France by force.  (Normandy was so named because of the "North Men" who had invaded/conquered the region.)


As was common in the day, my Viking ancestors inter-married into the royalty of these new territories (usually by force), and thus my family line merges into the royal lines of Europe.  As royalty intermarried within themselves to keep all marriages of royal blood, my bloodline traces back to the palaces of almost every European country. (Arranged marriages were the norm, children were promised in marriage as peace offerings between kingdoms.)  Once I found a link into recorded history, it was easy to trace my ancestry.  Royal family records are highly detailed, and most survive to this day. 


I was amazed to find that if I followed the family tree back far enough, my ancestors came from almost every country in Europe.  Instead of being just German... I could claim heritage from at least 18 European nations.  The majority of my family was from northern Europe, but there was also a princess from Barcelona, several princes from Italy.  While living in Europe I visited the Castle of Salzburg, Austria--imagine my surprise when I learned that my ancestors used to live in that same castle.  My family line even directly ties to the British monarchies of both former years and of today.  Going back a bit further, Charlemagne makes his appearance several times in my family tree due to intermarriage, and I can trace the family all the way to Constantinople (modern-day Istanbul, Turkey)....something I had never imagined possible.

I also found it interesting that along the way many of my female ancestors were listed only as "Concubine" to the King.  Infidelity was expected and the children from those liaisons were often recognized by the royal fathers.


Genetics is a funny thing.... Sometimes one set of genes stands out more than the others.  Out of my parents and grandparents--I most resemble my father's mother, the woman who brings the Viking bloodline to my family tree.  Recently I came across this photo of Anita Ekberg, a Swedish actress and I was stunned.  She could be my sister.  It is funny how right those German friends were:  apparently I look Swedish after all.




Interested in tracing your family tree too?


FamilySearch.org  is a great place to get started, with an ever-expanding list of records from around the world.  All searches are free.


RootsWeb.com and Ancestory.com are two more great resources.


Cyndi's List contains a list of genealogy sites, broken down by region.


And, don't forget the value of Google.  From finding information about historical figures, to finding genealogy resources, through Google the world is at your fingertips.  Good luck!

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Written by Rio Denali

I have two close friends who professed to have it all: A husband they were madly in love with, a great sex life, owned a lovely home, adorable children, were financially secure, had a great reputation ….then they risked it all by cheating. Neither understood why they were doing it.


Both said the other man was “less than” their husband. In both cases, the other man was not as attractive as their husband — and he was not the sort of man either would ever want to marry. (Both said even if they were single, they would not end up with the other man—he was exclusively a fling.)


Neither of these women would ever consider leaving their husbands for the other man. They were not “in love” with these men in the traditional sense.


So, I have to ask myself why?




It’s not only women doing it. We see it everyday on the news—some politician caught up in a scandal. Sex in an airport bathroom, high-priced call girls, a lover in another country. A revolving parade of scandal and deception. These men are throwing away their family and career for an affair. Christie Brinkley is arguably one of the most beautiful women in the world. Her husband had an affair too. It would seem no one is immune.


What makes people cheat? Why risk a lifetime of accomplishment—career, family, prestige--for something that is not intended to be permanent?


My husband theorizes that people build lives they are ill-equipped to handle. We may love being a parent, and a spouse, and a homeowner, but many of us inwardly collapse under the constant pressure and responsibilities. Maintaining a household, children, and a family as well as a marriage takes a lot of work. Add the pressure of day-to-day life—laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. And, the other chores--keeping up the yard, changing the oil in the car, giving the dog a bath--plus a career… and well... life gets full fast. The person we once were gets away from us. One day we wake up with a pile of laundry and a yard full of dog shit and wonder, “How the hell did I get here?”


With no time for ourselves, and little for our marriage, we begin to dream of an escape—a moment just for us, just for ourselves, where we are not “mommy” or “daddy”, but a vibrant, autonomous, sensual person once again….if even for a moment or only an afternoon. And, when opportunity knocks, sometimes it is more than we can do to say, “No.”


We cheat because the other person gives us what we do not get at home; the opportunity to be ourselves with no strings attached. It isn’t an affair of the heart, it is an affair with one’s self. It is an affair where we are the person we long to be, and we can forget about the leaking roof, or the nagging spouse, or all of the other things on our mind….and laugh. Carefree, if only for the moment, we can indulge in the simple pleasures of life; feeling close to another human being, physical intimacy, the pleasure of another’s attention. We escape the reality of the life we have constructed for ourselves, and can be anyone we want—funny, vivacious, flirtatious, erotic… And, that is what is hard to say “no” to.

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Marie* is wildly successful.  She was a pioneer in the ever-popular homemaking-website industry, creating her first website back before there were any others--and initially writing all of her own articles.  Now 10 years later, she runs a mini-empire, with 10 websites, a subscription service, paid advertisers and a small army of writers submitting articles to her for syndication.  Even still, she does much of her own writing yet today, and the articles she authors still  remain some of the most popular on her websites.
 
However, when I met her, she didn't tell me all of that.  Marie is charming and personable--and definitely a consummate professional.  Instantly likable and a true people-person, she is one of the best professional networkers I have ever met.  But when we met, Marie left out some very important parts of her resume...she only told me she was a small business owner.  As we talked more, she told me a bit about the success of  her websites.  Talking in depth over the next few weeks, we covered many aspects of the business, and Marie described herself and her work many ways but never once did she claim the title of "writer" or "author".  In fact, it was about a month into our friendship before I realized she did any writing at all.


Marie has been featured on HGTV and  in Parenting Magazine--and has been reprinted by many other nationally recognizable names; the stuff of any author's dreams.  She has even co-authored a book you may have seen in a bookstore.  Yet Marie did not consider herself a writer.


Being a person who tends to think in psychological terms, I found this most peculiar.  I have met many self-promoters who make their accomplishments out to be more than reality, but I have not met many people good at networking, who do not accept full credit for their accomplishments and promote them with gusto.


When I pointed this out to Marie, the woman who uses words for a living, sat speechless.

"But I am not actually a writer."


"Haven't you made money from writing?"


"Yes."


"In fact, isn't that how you have been supporting your family?"


"Yes, of course."


"And, this has been your sole occupation for the last decade, right?"


"Yes."


"At what point do you get to claim the title of writer?  You do it full-time, make an income from it, and are considered a professional in your field.  Everyone else considers you a writer.  You have already had more success in your writing career than most writers ever do...what will it take for you to consider yourself one?"

 




Or the woman who sits up at night writing the great American novel--at what point does she get to wear the title "writer" proudly?  Is it once she finishes that first novel?  Cashes the first check?  Or is the act of writing itself, performed regularly--even if no one ever reads a word--enough to justify the using the title with pride?


As we discussed this subject, Marie told me about a business seminar she had attended the month before, about being most impressed by a woman who introduced herself as an author.  From the way she carried herself, Marie assumed this woman had published many books.  It was only after talking for a period of time, that Marie realized this woman had never been published at all....in fact, she was still working on her very first novel, yet the woman wore the title of writer with the pride that only comes from a true sense of accomplishment.


Marie said that the irony was not lost on her at the time:  that she, the professional published author, was introducing herself as a small-business owner, while the woman who had not yet finished her first work introduced herself as a writer.  But, even that bit of irony did not push Marie to make the self-concept leap toward adopting the title of "author".


Many labels are an arbitrary thing we assign ourselves.  Someone who writes in her spare time may consider herself an writer, while a paid professional may not.
When not officially bestowed through ceremony or circumstance, a title is often something that we "are" internally and (sometimes but not always) wear externally for the world to see.  It is the sometimes public and always personal definition of a part of our self.  The moment of the first brush stroke, and the moment a person begins thinking of themselves as an artist are two separate events...at some point a mental leap is made, and the title is incorporated into the psyche; a shift in self-perception is made.


Often natural triggers help us make this leap.  Once a person begins spending a significant amount of time in the pursuit of their craft, or once they begin making a certain income from it (particularly if it allows them to "quit their day job") that is when the shift in self image is usually triggered.  But, there are cases where the changes happen so slowly, over a period of years, that there is no natural definitive shift point. 


If you are a stay-at-home mom who begins making a little money from a hobby.... and if success is a slowly built thing, taking place over a number of years instead of all at once... at what point do you consider yourself a professional in your field?  Take my friend for example, at what point did she become a "writer"?  It is hard to pinpoint an exact date, but I think it is safe to agree that she is there now.


Unofficial Experimental Research


They say the recipe for success in the workplace comes down to this:  identify the position you want and dress for it; act like you already have it; carry yourself in a manner befitting the job.


That advice fits in perfectly with the ever-popular Law of Attraction, which states that:

" people's thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) dictate the reality of their lives, whether or not they're aware of it." -Wikipedia

So, why did my friend, who is so grounded in reality in every other way, fail to see what no one else missed?   Secretly I suspect it stems from low self-esteem.  Despite her incredible accomplishments, she did not feel as though she measured up to the accomplishments of others.


Toward the end of our conversation, I challenged Marie to an experiment:  Introduce herself as an author 10 times over the next month. 


Even I could see the difference.  There was something about declaring herself an author to others that finally allowed Marie to incorporate it into her own self-image.  Her new-found confidence was good for her writing and her business, bringing greater web-traffic and ultimately greater ad revenue.   Absorbing the title into her self identity gave her the professional boost she needed to take her business to the next level.




We have all been told not to label our children and not to accept labels put on us by others.  We have been told that labels damage us psychologically, they limit our growth and inhibit our creativity.  However, I would also say that not accepting a label you have earned can be equally as limiting.  I am not a dedicated follower of the Law of Attraction, but there does seem to be something to it; accepting a positive label inwardly, and projecting it outwardly can attract success.


Looking in from the outside, it is easy to see the change that Marie's self-granted title made; the difference in her career when she claimed credit for her success was a pleasure to watch.  I wonder how many of us are doing the same thing?  Take a moment to ponder this question for yourself:  Do you have any missing titles that could make a difference in your life?  Might be worth a closer look.


*Marie's name was changed to protect her identity.

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Written by Rio Denali

You ask about the most important lesson I have learned in the past 10 years? Well, If you want to give me a little more leeway—say 15 years—I could dazzle you with fantastic experiences, each of which was a lesson in it’s own right. I have hung over the extended rear-ramp of a Chinook helicopter in-flight, was assigned to a 128’ Army tugboat in the Puget Sound, and was chased through the streets of Panama during a military deployment. I could write a firsthand account about the architectural and cultural differences between eastern and western Europe, and the toll an ineffective governmental regime can take on a country. I would tell you how making friends with an older German man—one who told me stories about being a 14-year-old running from the American soldiers at the end of WWII, certain he would be killed if captured--changed my perspective on war; opening my eyes to it’s brutal effects on children. My military and life adventures have taken me around the globe. I have met incredible people along the way, some of whom have changed the way I see the world.


However, for the last 10 years I have devoted myself to raising children. While it does not make for the same excitement, the most important lessons of my life have come from my time as a parent. For example: sometimes a Superman costume is brilliant attire for the grocery store.


Compromise and negotiation are art forms taught to perfection in the boot camp of parenthood. There are battles that must be won at all costs: “Do not touch the stove.” “Look both ways before you cross the street.” “Do not put your brother in the clothes dryer.” Then, there are the other battles--the battles that are forgotten about the next day, over things that in the “grand scheme of things” really mean very little. Compromise is a matter of setting priorities and choosing your battles wisely. Not all battles are equal and if you approach every point of contention with the same heightened intensity, you will exhaust yourself and ultimately lose authority. While I still stand my ground against the girls curling our golden retriever’s hair with a curling iron, I have learned the value of negotiation when it comes to allowing a toddler to wear a Spiderman costume to the grocery store in exchange for eating vegetables at lunchtime.


“What does this have to do with law?”, you are surely asking yourself by now. Well, it is simple. Few cases actually make it to trial. In law, settlement is king—and settlements are only reached through the art of negotiation and compromise. My experience of parenting a large family provides me with years of expertise in this area. Seriously, who is better qualified to successfully negotiate a compromise than a woman who can get a toddler to eat vegetables? Speaking of vegetables, I must be going now—it’s time to take Spiderman to the grocery store.

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This article was originally featured on RioDancesOnTheSand.com, a blog for the thinking person... Written by Rio Denali, a 30-something with peculiar curiosities, who makes the observations that many of us avoid. Full of useful links and entertaining articles, it is a fun favorite for the intelligent reader. For more great articles like this, please visit RioDancesOnTheSand.com.

As a busty blonde with a passion for all things feminine, Dolly Parton is often judged based on appearance alone.   But, as she herself will tell you:  there is more to her than meets the eye.


I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -- Dolly Parton


Her success story is well-known:  Dolly's journey from the one-room Tennessee cabin that her family called home, to the reigning Queen of Country Music hasn't been an easy one, and despite her success Dolly has never forgotten her humble beginnings.

I still close my eyes and go home - I can always draw from that.  --Dolly Parton

Storms make trees take deeper roots. --Dolly Parton


Early in her career, Dolly met country music legend, Johnny Cash, who told her to go where her heart took her and not to worry about what other people thought.


Dolly has followed this advice in beautiful Dolly-fashion, always being true to herself and refusing to allow anyone to pigeon hole her career.


She is an award-winning singer, song-writer and actress--as well as a successful business woman.  Some of Dolly's best known business ventures are Sandollar Productions, a television production company, and of course her namesake:  Dollywood Amusement Park, Pigeon Forge, Tennessee -- located in The Great Smoky Mountains.


I'm not going to limit myself just because people won't accept the fact that I can do something else.  --Dolly Parton


When I'm inspired, I get excited because I can't wait to see what I'll come up with next. --Dolly Parton


Dolly's look is well known.


While living in Europe many years ago I saw her interviewed on British television.  When asked about her signature style, she said it was simple really.


Dolly's answer went something like this:


One day Mama and I were walking down the street, and I saw the most beautiful woman coming toward us.  


She wore a silky dress and the highest heels I'd ever seen.  Her face was all done up in the prettiest makeup, and her hair was teased up to the heavens.  She had long fingernails painted bright red.  


I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.


It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen. --Dolly Parton


Dolly is also well-known for her flirtatiousness, but don't let that fool you.  She has been married to Carl Thomas Dean since 1966.





But, perhaps my favorite thing about Dolly is her ability to not take things too seriously.


With a contagious laugh, and the ability to laugh at herself....you just can't help but love her!






You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap! --Dolly Parton

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An older article....

Times are changing, yes indeed.


My husband and I watched a TV show tonight on a PBS-type of channel, that got us talking. The show examined the social impact on children, of a family's passed-down stories. The documentary was filmed around 25 years ago. As they discussed the generations of the family, the narrator made a comment about the grandparents being around 40 years old, "middle-aged; a time in life where a person is typically in the height of their career and enjoying spending time with their grandchildren."


I began to ponder how much times have changed since that was filmed only a few decades ago. My husband is 40, and I am 38 years old....and we are the proud parents of a 2-year old. Not quite grandparent material, and certainly not ready to claim the title of "middle-aged" as our own.


I started thinking about my parents' and grandparents' generations, when people commonly married and started families younger. My grandfather's generation had a much lower life-expectancy, and being that he passed away at 75 years old the narrator was pretty accurate; 40 years old truly was middle-aged for him and his generation.


Now, with many of us delaying marriage and parenthood until we are well into our 30's, forty has an entirely different feel to it. It is hard to think of one's self as middle-aged while actively participating in procreation. Being a new parent, although exhausting, has a way of making one feel renewed, alive; and gives a new feeling of vitality.


And with news reports that more and more of us are becoming centenarians, I am thinking that I have another 12 years before I am going to embrace the middle-aged title as my own. I just don't feel as though I deserve it yet. I have not accomplished half of what I am meant to do. I need more time....


I cannot say that I will live to be one hundred, but according to the article How to Live to Be 100 Years Old, I am doing many of the right things. In fact, many of us are on the right path. "By the year 2050, America will be home to an estimated 1 million centenarians." With more Americans sliding into the title "centenarian" it only stands to reason that the term "middle-aged" is sliding too.


When I think of middle-aged, I picture gray hair, matronly clothing in dark colors, and sensible shoes. I don't see an athletic blonde running behind a jogging stroller. Nope, that's not me. You can keep that title for now....check back with me in 12 years!

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This article was originally featured on RioDancesOnTheSand.com, a blog for the thinking person... Written by Rio Denali, a 30-something with peculiar curiosities, who makes the observations that many of us avoid. Full of useful links and entertaining articles, it is a fun favorite for the intelligent reader. For more great articles like this, please visit RioDancesOnTheSand.com.

There was a time when I led an exciting life. I leaned over the open rear-ramp of a Chinook helicopter while flying over the pine-topped Cascade mountains; spent weekends aboard a 128' Army Tugboat, sailing through the serene Puget Sound; was swept away on exotic vacations by handsome men; found myself on the VIP lists for the best clubs where I hung out with Calvin Klein underwear models, pro boxers and Austrian playboys; went to school studying with the brightest minds....

But those days are behind me now. I traded it all to be a wife and homeschooling mother of three children. Any regrets? No, absolutely not. What I have gained has far exceeded what I gave up. 

There are times though, when boredom sets in. I long for adventure and fun--to do something epic again...something that makes a great story to tell friends over a beer....

A friend recently said to me, "I'm still searching for my voice on twitter. Should I be funny or sarcastic? Inspirational or conversational? I feel like I need to find a unifying theme."

When I started my twitter accounts, I found myself drawn to the comedians. People like @the_troy_show, @bedheadblonde and @thebenbrooks. I love to laugh and have always been drawn to funny people.  I dreamed of having a following like they do, thought it would be a blast to have that kind of notoriety.

Over time, my twitter voice turned that direction as well. Without deliberate effort, my main account self-defined as a funny, highly-flirtatious, carefree party girl with an overly sarcastic tongue and an intellectual side...

It started simply enough: I told a joke and got laughs. So, I told more jokes like that. Eventually people started shooting me responses and I started engaging with them. Hecklers joined in and that's where my sarcasm got to run wild. It was fun--great fun.... except....


I was bored, looking for excitement and fun. And, I got exactly that. But somewhere along the way, my twitter account has become a persona, a character with a life of it's own. It's no longer "me" in the true form, but a role that I play on-line for laughs.

I now have exactly what I wished for--a following that is tantamount to an audience. I've become a character on a stage, @nottypicalblond is now a stand-up act that I've written, almost a sitcom of sorts that no longer resembles my true life.

While I am genuinely thankful to have this opportunity to be the center of something that is so much fun, and I will certainly say that it has been interesting....there are days that I wish I could go back to just being "me".



1.  For the record, my days of adventure are not "over", I'm simply on hiatus while I raise my children.  I wanted to be sure to clarify that before commenters did.

2.  This article relates specifically to my account @nottypicalblond which I consider to be my main account.  That is the one I use for the majority of my twitter interactions.

Want to reprint this article? 

Please be our guest as long as you include this complete blurb with it:

This article was originally featured on RioDancesOnTheSand.com, a blog for the thinking person... Written by Rio Denali, a 30-something with peculiar curiosities, who makes the observations that many of us avoid. Full of useful links and entertaining articles, it is a fun favorite for the intelligent reader. For more great articles like this, please visit RioDancesOnTheSand.com.

Just now, I received the following comment in response, written by Gloria Ives:

Gloria Ives 

So glad I found this blog,Terrific. And especially this particular post. It should be required reading for every teenager who falls into the chameleon trap, searching for his place. The message here for me is this: how you present yourself to the world should reflect your essence. Just as Pepsi has confused it's customer base over the years by changing it's image to suit the times or the "changing" mindset of their audience, continuing to alter your appearance or your image to suit others is a mistake.

Coca Cola still comes across as Old fashioned-- like the wisdom of a grandparent--still fresh, despite the changing of the times, certain lessons remain the same.

Essence always remains the same, despite what we may attempt while searching for"identity".

Identity is Essence. It may be your fondness for Gnomes, or your ability to connect with children. It may be your uplifting spirit; the way you light up a room.It may be the way you see and share the world. It may in fact be your DNA.

But who you are is your greatest gift, and In a perfect world, which is really what it is, at it's essence, every tree, every mountain every stream has a specific role to play, and so do you.

P.S. Thanks for the Inspiration.

"Real authenticity is the key.

It doesn't matter who you are;

success comes from being yourself."

- Danny Strong

I also write a blog about dating, love, relationships and marriage [KeyLargoKiss.com]... So I often find myself looking at things from that perspective.  I have always found it fascinating that so many women fall for the "cad" (old term, forgive me for not thinking up a better one).  Think Charlie Harper from the television show Two and a Half Men--he is a perfect example.

 



Charlie's character is a ruthless womanizer, heavy drinker, compulsive gambler and selfishly irresponsible, but you can't help but like the guy.  On the show, Charlie makes no excuses about who or what he is.  He doesn't try to hide it.  He is what he is, and he is ok with that.  There are no self-help books on his nightstand.  You can like him or not, but your approval is irrelevant. There is something inherently sexy in his self-accepting confidence.   Every man would love to have a beer with him--and despite knowing he is a womanizer, women still find him irresistibly charming.


We find these characters celebrated throughout fiction.  Whether it is the main character in John Sandford's "Prey" series, or James Spader's character on Boston Legal, you can't help but like the person who accepts themselves with unapologetic confidence.


Cowboy in the Courtroom


Another great example comes in the legal field,Gerry Spence, the rebel attorney who is one of America's finest legal minds.  He tried many famous cases, including Karen Silkwood's (of the movie "Silkwood" fame).  What makes Gerry a rebel?  Read his book, "How to Argue and Win Every Time."  You will find a man of extraordinary power, who remains non-pretentious and very approachable... and generally you will find him wearing his fringed cowboy jacket (not your typical attorney attire.)


In his book, How to Argue and Win Every Time, Gerry writes about this very topic: being genuine.  Gerry attributes his success in front of juries to various things:  a refusal to use big words (as opposing counsel will often do in an effort to look important), and an ability to be himself and relate to everyone in the room.  This sounds like simple advice, but clearly it has been effective, and Gerry Spence has one of the most impressive legal records in America.

Tell the truth.  With ordinary words you have learned the incredible power of credibility.  Being who you are is powerful.  Saying how you feel is powerful.  To be open and real and afraid, if you are afraid, is powerful.  The power argument begins and ends by telling the truth.  Truth is power.

--Gerry Spence, excerpt from How to Argue and Win Every Time

Gerry Spence is a "real guy".  And, "How to Argue and Win Every Time" recommends avoiding games and deception.  To be successful in any arena, you must drop your guard, be a genuine voice, and tell the truth even when it isn't popular to do so.  This can only be achieved when you are being yourself.  Everyone can spot a fake.  It takes the truth about yourself and the facts to sway any audience.




Have you ever known someone who chased your approval?  


When looking at the chart below, showing Coke and Pepsi logos over the years it does become clear that Pepsi was chasing public approval, changing logos with definite regularity -- while Coke was retaining the essence of what led to their success.  

 


As Gloria said:

 Coca Cola still comes across as Old fashioned-- like the wisdom of a grandparent--still fresh, despite the changing of the times, certain lessons remain the same.

The message here for me is this: how you present yourself to the world should reflect your essence. Just as Pepsi has confused it's customer base over the years by changing it's image to suit the times or the "changing" mindset of their audience, continuing to alter your appearance or your image to suit others is a mistake.

What I found especially provocative was Gloria's application of this article to the "Chameleon Trap" among teens, where they try so hard to fit in or gain approval, that they lose themselves in the process...  The teenage years are marked by an exploration of self, trying to find your role in the world.  While this can be a turbulent time, it is important for teens to know that this search for self is a vital step in the journey toward adulthood.  Although high school can feel as if it will last forever, anyone who has been out for a few years will tell you that it is a fleeting thing.  It is important not to change for people who are only going to be a temporary fixture in your life.  Remember that you must live with you for the rest of your life; stay true to yourself above all others.   


Losing yourself  


Losing yourself in relationships can happen at any age.  Who hasn't sat through something they hate for the sake of love?  Football? Opera?  Baseball Games? Chick Flicks?  Give and take is part of any relationship, however when you begin to live the other person's life, and give up what makes you the person you are in the process...you tread on dangerous ground.  

“Don’t settle for a relationship that won’t let you be yourself.” 

A healthy relationship is one that allows both people to grow and express themselves.  It is great to be open-minded about an event, but don't pretend to be someone you are not.  A true love will value your special qualities, will appreciate attempts to share interests, and will treasure you for simply being you.


Whether in a romantic, professional, or personal setting one of the most important life lessons for any of us to learn, is the value of being true to yourself.  Remember in trying to be someone you are not--or denying the person you are--even if it is a selfless act meant to please others, one ultimately finds misery and disdain.  Few things are more attractive than genuineness, and the confidence that is inherent in being true to yourself.  Even if people don't like you--they will respect you for it.

Want to reprint this article?

Please be our guest as long as you include this complete blurb with it:

This article was originally featured on RioDancesOnTheSand.com, a blog for the thinking person... Written by Rio Denali, a 30-something with peculiar curiosities, who makes the observations that many of us avoid. Full of useful links and entertaining articles, it is a fun favorite for the intelligent reader. For more great articles like this, please visit RioDancesOnTheSand.com.