Written by Rio Denali
An Old Man and an Old Woman were going down the road.  He was driving; she was leaning against the passenger door, looking out the window at the world going by.  Her mind wandered back to the beginning of their relationship, and how much things have changed.  "He is so different now," she thinks to herself,  and she can't help but feel angry with her husband.


"You know," she said, "we used to drive down the road snuggled up close.  Now you are way over there, and I am way over here -- with miles in between us.  I miss the old days when you were so romantic.  What happened to us?"


The Old Man drives along, listening to his wife and thinking about what she said. After a moment, he turns to her, "Honey... I never moved."




How we frame an event greatly influences our response and feelings about it.


Somewhere in my early 20's while I was a newlywed in a marriage that no longer exists, I had the benefit of an older, wiser friend.  She was in her early 30's at the time.  After suffering a marriage that nightmares are made of, followed by a horrendous divorce -- my friend had gone on to marry the man of her dreams.   


One day, while visiting her home, I stopped to admire a new desk lamp.  Gushing with romantic stars in her eyes, she told me that it was a birthday gift from her husband.  I had never seen her so happy, and having witnessed the abuse her ex-husband had put her through -- I was thrilled for her.  But, at the same time, I found myself twinging with a bit of jealousy.  We talked in the frank way that long-time friends do, and I found myself complaining that my husband--who couldn't name my birthday if his life depended on it--would never do something so thoughtful for me.


Seeing my distress and utter depression, "I think I need to explain," she said.  It turns out that her husband (an Army guy) was deployed during her birthday.  She had seen the lamp in a store, and when she mentioned it to him on the telephone he told her to go back and buy it.


Doesn't sound quite as romantic when put that way, does it?  But, to her--it was the most romantic gift in the world.


Instead of complaining that her husband "was gone on her birthday - again", or "didn't buy her a gift on his own", she looked at that lamp as a gesture of his complete love and devotion.  The lamp represented the man she loved so deeply, wanting to fulfill her every wish -- to give her everything she wanted -- and if she wanted that lamp then he was going to make sure she got it whether he could "give" it to her in person or not.  The lamp that she physically bought herself, to her, was the most romantic gift he could have given.


Looking back, she gave me some of the best marital advice I have ever heard:  "We can all find fault with our spouse.  A good marriage comes from recognizing the loving gestures."


It is easy to dwell on the negative while "keeping score".  But, focusing only on the bad will skew your outlook.  Take time to recognize the many ways your spouse shows you that they love you.  Does he take out the trash before leaving for work so that you won't have to do it?  Did she pick up your favorite brand of ice cream at the store?   Did he fill the gas tank so you wouldn't have to stand out in the cold?  Did she save you some hot water so you could shower in comfort?


Grand gestures are great for Hollywood.  But, it is the little day-to-day gestures that make up the happiness of a real marriage.

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This article was originally featured on RioDancesOnTheSand.com, a blog for the thinking person... Written by Rio Denali, a 30-something with peculiar curiosities, who makes the observations that many of us avoid. Full of useful links and entertaining articles, it is a fun favorite for the intelligent reader. For more great articles like this, please visit RioDancesOnTheSand.com.

  

Guests are on their way over for Thanksgiving dinner.  

 

Quick!  It's  time to booby-trap the medicine cabinet with marbles!

 

Really listen. Most people spend much of a conversation formulating what they are going to say next... If you are doing that, you are not paying attention to what she is saying.

Also, don't fall into the trap of being so eager to tell her things about yourself, that you make the conversation a showcase of your accomplishments. Nothing makes a woman feel appreciated like a man genuinely wanting to learn about her, especially her thoughts and feelings.
Create fantasies together.

If she dreams of living on the beach, create that daydream together.

Paint her a verbal picture of what it would be like to be walking on a deserted beach together at night, with the light of the moon reflecting off the waves. Describe standing in the sand with the waves gently lapping at your feet, taking her hands in your own and drawing her up-turned face in for a kiss....

Find out what her daydream is, and make it one you share together.





3. Play out her dreams. 
Has she always dreamed of a taking Salsa lessons? Make arrangements and do it together.

Has she always dreamed of owning a BMW? Arrange to rent one for the day.

Has she always dreamed of visiting Paris? Set your apartment to be Paris for the night--French music, French food, French wine....a poster of the Eiffel Tower in the background, and a black and white table cloth on the candlelit table.... after dinner watch a black and white French film, then feed her French pasteries by hand for a late night dessert...





Did she mention a favorite band from her teenage years? Find out where they will be in concert, and book a weekend trip. Or surprise her with reservations to the newest restaurant in town. Or tell her she has the most beautiful legs you have ever seen and take her shopping for a new pair of high heels...


If she has something in mind for your date, be willing to try it. But, do not leave date planning up to her. There is nothing worse than being on a date with a man and having the following conversation, "Where do you want to eat dinner?" "I don't know, where do you want to eat?" "I don't know, do you have any ideas?" That is not sexy.
Be complimentary. Tell her how much you adore her, what things you love most about her (ie, her sparkling eyes and the wonderful sound of her laughter).... make her feel like she is the only woman in the room. Never look at other women in her presence.  Be passionate about her. Don't be afraid to tell her that she takes your breath away.

Is she being quiet? (Perhaps she is nervous or you are dominating the conversation?) Is she hinting about future dates? (Things are going well.) Is she touching your arm during dinner or do her fingers keep returning to her hair subconsciously? (You might want to look for a romantic spot for a kiss in this case?) Be aware of the cues she is offering. Follow her lead.

A final thought: it is important to remember that a woman will touch you how she likes to be touched. If she is very gentle and tentative with you, use the same gentle touch with her--it is not the time to pull her in for a passionate kiss.




Do not underestimate the sexiness of feeding a woman a decadent desert spoonful by spoonful, eyes locked on hers.

Do not underestimate the power of softly whispering, "You are so beautiful" in her ear as you embrace.

 Do not underestimate the power of lightly cupping her face in your hands as you reach in for a gentle kiss.

For a woman, an isolated movement of the softest, most gentle nature, can be the most romantic, and the most unforgettable....


It sounds counter-intuitive, but it is true. It is important to make her realize how much she misses you, and that she wants you around. She needs to realize that you have a life of your own and although you adore her, your life does not revolve around her.

Do not overplay this move or it will backfire. The point is not to help her realize she can live without you.... (too much absence and she might realize she doesn't need you after all.)  And, never make her feel like you are playing a game with her heart, or are doing this on purpose.  If she suspects you are doing this on purpose, you will erode all trust she has for you.

This rule is the most important of all. Be a man of strength and character. While indulging a woman is seductive, bending to her every whim is not. Sometimes a woman seeing you are willing to leave can make her respect you more as a man.



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This article was originally featured on RioDancesOnTheSand.com, a blog for the thinking person... Written by Rio Denali, a 30-something with peculiar curiosities, who makes the observations that many of us avoid. Full of useful links and entertaining articles, it is a fun favorite for the intelligent reader. For more great articles like this, please visit RioDancesOnTheSand.com.

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. 

 

                             --Mother Theresa

Some of you may have noticed my recent absence.  Let's just say that I was re-structuring my life. 


I was an addict.  Yes, it's true....I became addicted to Twitter and Blogspot.  Had to detox.


I have been maintaining 9 websites and multiple Twitter accounts--plus freelancing articles on the side....and to my utter amazement, I began finding a quick measure of success.  (Do I sound surprised?)


With each new mark of success came an added focus on my part, a driving need to improve my offerings and not disappoint readers.  I found myself obsessing about articles, the websites, about adding fresh content daily, and I began checking website stats almost hourly analyzing the data for trends.  It became a full-time obsession.  And, if you think that was bad.....well, I won't even tell you about my Twitter habit... Twitter was my porn.


Most brilliant people are affected by a touch of craziness, certainly all creative people are.  Think of Van Gogh's ear, your high school art teacher, or Einstein (have you seen his hair??)   Craziness: It is the plague of creative minds.


For me, the crazies take the form of hyper-focused attention (otherwise known as obsession).  I could be Monk's younger, blonder, less-Lebanese sister...  Some may call it OCD, but I have always called it straight A's... thank you very much.  [For those of you who don't know, Monk references an excellent, but unfortunately now canceled TV show on USA channel, starring Tony Shaloub.]


Perfectionism:  my longtime arch enemy and often my greatest benefactor.  I wanted to put out a great product for you, the reader..... but perfection in all areas is simply not realistic.  Faced with finite resources, limited time to get things done and only so much energy:  life is a balancing act.  Using a disproportionate amount of resources in any one area, steals them from another.  My cyber hyper-focus robbed other areas of my life, and it was time to make things right again.  I have written on this topic before, see When is "Good" Enough? (The 80% Solution).


My kids were getting unruly, my husband needy, and my ass started expanding -- yep, I had to do something drastic.  So, I quit cold-turkey.  Stopped checking stats.  Stopped everything.  (Well ok, I did do a little Twittering....)


I started spending more time reading to my kids, snuggling with my husband on the couch, and cooking family dinners from scratch.  I started baking again.  Dinners became more leisurely; life more relaxed.  I started spending more time at the gym and reading the dusty novels that were hibernating on my bookshelf.  After about a month the difference was amazing.  I became a new person, but more important were the differences in my marriage and with my kids.  Our entire family was happier.  And I was reminded that this is what life is about...


Now that my world is back in alignment you will be seeing my by-lines once again.  But, probably not as often as before.  As wise man once said, "Everything in moderation."

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Four year old Paige Bennethum was heartbroken when her father was deployed overseas, so much so that she could not let go of his hand even as he stood in final formation before shipping out to Iraq.

As reported on NBC News out of Philadelphia, neither her father, Army Reservist Staff Sgt. Brett Bennethum, nor his commanding officer, had the heart to make her let go.

Let us be ever mindful of the young heroes, the military children, and the sacrifices they are forced to make.

Quoted from Rick's Place ... a blog by Rick Schoen

EXCERPTS FROM THE DIARY OF A CAT

Sunday, 28. June 2009, 19:43:45



Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.


They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.


The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.


I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.


The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

“It has been my experience that folks who have no vices, have very few virtues.”

~Abraham Lincoln

I was talking to a friend in Europe earlier today, and was reminded of a funny story...


In the mid 1990's (during a previous life and a previous marriage) I lived in beautiful Gelnhausen, Germany.




Background information:

• To receive mail in Germany, you must first register at a government office.  (Similar to a city hall.)

• My German is bad.  I liken my ability to that of a 2-year old; generally I can get my point across but rarely is it grammatically correct. 

Now that you have the basic background information, let the story begin....


As I entered the town office to register for mail, I found myself in the presence of a friendly older gentleman.  He was the only one in the office, and apparently things were slow that day...so he stopped to chat with me for a while.


He did not speak English, and I speak very little German, but with some patience we managed to strike up a long conversation. As I filled out the paperwork and paid the registration fee, he told me about his only daughter's upcoming wedding and showed me her photographs.


We talked of many things that afternoon, of family and traveling, of food and the local area.  And, we talked about what it is like to be far from home.



He asked about my German last name, if my family was from Germany... Smiling, I told him he was correct.  My father's grandfather was born there.


He asked if I knew which city?  I told him it was Chemnitz (in eastern Germany, near Dresden and just west of the Czech border.)





He smiled and told me he suspected as much... and serenaded me with an old German song about the prettiest girls coming from the east...


Then he asked if I knew my great-grandfather's name and the year he emigrated to America?"  I knew both.


We talked for a short time longer, before I had to go.


A few weeks later, I received my first German letter.  It was official correspondence from the German government, and far beyond my reading level. 


I took the letter to my German neighbor, asking her to translate.  As she read, she burst into laughter.... asking me just what I said when I registered for my mail?


It turns out the letter was an official invitation to turn in my American passport.  I was to bring it to a specific office to make the trade for a German one, and reclaim my German birthright.  Apparently Germany has a repatriation law that allows people who can prove German heritage to return to the homeland.


It would seem that my German is worse than I thought: the man from that government office had filled out the paperwork on my behalf after our conversation.  To this day I have always wondered if he was just trying to be nice, or if it was something I said?



Please be my guest as long as you include this complete blurb with it:

This article was originally featured on RioDancesOnTheSand.com, a blog for the thinking person... Written by Rio Denali, a 30-something with peculiar curiosities, who makes the observations that many of us avoid. Full of useful links and entertaining articles, it is a fun favorite for the intelligent reader. For more great articles like this, please visit RioDancesOnTheSand.com.

Chicken yells, "Don't do it Man! You'll never hear the end of it!"

 


The excerpt from the letter begins here:




Well, that is the excerpt of the letter...  It is just a bit of insight into what it was like living overseas.  Yes, it was fun to sample the best of Europe, and travel a bit.  But what I really took home was a new way of looking at the world...




 

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This article was originally featured on RioDancesOnTheSand.com, a blog for the thinking person... Written by Rio Denali, a 30-something with peculiar curiosities, who makes the observations that many of us avoid. Full of useful links and entertaining articles, it is a fun favorite for the intelligent reader. For more great articles like this, please visit RioDancesOnTheSand.com.

I would like to take a moment to thank my old friend, Jack Daniels, for the many years of companionship and dating advice . . .

 

                                                                         -  Rio Denali

 

 

Cierra Brewster (one of the wittiest people I know) sent this my way...

Originally found on AngryJulieMonday.com

Why spelling is so important....This was written by a 3rd grader.  

Written by Rio Denali

Isn't it interesting that we are universally offended to be judged by our race, gender, nationality, and ethnic background, but we welcome being judged by our birth date?


If I wrote here that all people of X race are impulsive, quick-tempered, passionate, and vengeful--I would violate every social and political rule that exists.


Now, replace X race with Scorpios, and my judgments are welcomed in polite society, even enjoyed and sought after for entertainment or guidance. Why is a judgment based on a birthday considered wisdom, rather than discrimination or prejudice?


I am not commenting on the accuracy or inaccuracy of Astrology, only that it is ironic that in our society where pre-conceived judgments about a person are taboo, a practice of marking a person based on the day they were born is socially acceptable.


Don't like my observation? It's probably because I am a Scorpio....we are confrontational you know.

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Written by Rio Denali

 

Garran, Australia

 

Imagine lying in your bed beside your spouse when the most unthinkable happens:  a home invasion.

 

At 2:00 am a suburban Australian couple were awoken to a night they would never forget.  Their bedroom window was smashed as an intruder came barreling through.  A dark figure landed on their bed and began trampling them with such force that one side collapsed under the weight.

 

Only half awake, Beat Ettlin and his wife Verity Beaman had no idea was going on in their bedroom. “I thought it was a lunatic ninja coming at us through the window,” said Beat. “I just couldn’t comprehend what was going on.”



Beat was initially relieved to discover it was "only" a kangaroo, but that relief was short-lived.


The kangaroo had apparently been in the couple's backyard, which butts up to a wildlife preserve,  and gotten scared by the family dog's bark.  It jumped into black space, trying to escape - however that black space 5 feet off the ground was the couple's bedroom window.


The kangaroo jumped on the bed and nightstand, gouging the headboard and wall, and smearing blood everywhere before seeing the open bedroom door as an escape, and headed down the hall.  The instantaneous relief Beat felt to see the kangaroo go -- quickly turned to horror has he heard his terrified son screaming down the hall:  "There's a 'roo in my room!"

“That was enough for me,” Ettlin said, “I thought I have to do something about it. There is no way I can let him jump in there and hurt my son."

A kangaroo attack is no laughing matter.  Kangaroos can be deadly.  While human attack is rare, a kangaroo can easily kill a human with their powerful hind legs or  even disembowel them with razor-sharp claws.  Any Australian will know, a man should never take on a kangaroo.

Good thing Beat wasn't from Australia.  He's a Swiss-born chef, who could think of nothing but the screams of his 10-year old boy.  So, the 5 foot 9 inch father, clad only in his underwear, ran down the hall and jumped on the back of the 6 foot mad marsupial. 

Beat wrestled the animal to the floor.  After putting Roo in a choke hold, Beat kept it low to the ground and pulled it toward the front door. "He knew that kangaroos carry their strength on their hind legs,"  Beman said.

“I had to push with my full body weight and I got him as low as I could. It was quite aggressive and tried to escape of course. I could feel how powerful it was," said Beat.

Ettlin was able to open the front door with one hand and push the animal outside. It was then the kangaroo bolted away and vanished into the bushes.

So, what do you do if a kangaroo goes after your kid in his bed?  If you're Beat Ettlin, you wrestle the marsupial into a headlock, drag it down your hallway and toss it out your front door.  You save your kid and you do it in your underpants.

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"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."

-Edward Abbey

A while ago, I wrote an article, Why do People Cheat?, chronicling the affairs of two of my best friends.  Both led charmed lives with a handsome husband who adored them, a great sex life, financial security, adorable children...  And, both said they still loved their spouse.   They risked it all to have purely recreational affairs--fun and games with no emotional component.  Neither were in love with the "other man" and told me that even if they were single they would never consider a serious relationship with him.


But, what happens when there is more to it?  What happens when you meet the person of your dreams, but are already married to someone else?


Two of my closest male friends have faced this recently.


After 6 years of marriage, Dennis* is not happy and realizes that unless he leaves his wife, he may never be.  Chalk it up to irreconcilable differences (he wants children but his wife refuses) or perhaps growing apart (they are no longer connecting on many levels), either way his marriage is dying a slow death.  


I think it's naively romantic to imagine there is only one happy ending possible, or that there is only one "right" person for each of us.  The potential number of good matches is very small, but in the course of our lifetime we will meet a few of them--that perfect moment when the planets collide and two people connect on levels that take their breath away.




For Dennis, there was only one answer.  After a whirlwind week of constant conversation and dreaming of nothing but her....he did the "right" thing and broke it off completely.  He said it wasn't fair to the woman of his dreams, nor his wife.  Although his marriage probably couldn't be repaired, he could not morally close the door until the last effort had been exhausted.


There is a natural process that happens when a relationship ends, and the longer the history between the two people, the longer the process can take.  Relationships take time to grow; they also take time to die.  And until the final exhale, and you are done grieving, you remain entangled in the past.


My friend Doug's* story went a different path.  He maintained the affair for some time, eventually making plans to leave his wife.  He could not resist the siren's call of new love.  In the end though....things did not go as he planned.  After he came clean with his spouse, they decided to make a last-ditch effort to work out their problems and salvage the marriage.


In both cases, the men were left feeling emotionally vulnerable and raw.  The "other" women went through a dark and painful journey, and were ultimately left alone by the men they loved.  And, Doug's wife was emotionally devastated when she learned her husband had fallen in love with another woman.


Can either marriage be salvaged?  I doubt it, but they have to try.


In the 80's I saw a movie called "War Games", where a game-playing robot was created to guard/use the "launch" button on the United States' nuclear arsenal in case of human incapacitation.  Of course, something went wrong and it seized control during a training event....almost creating a nuclear war.  (Classic robot-taking-over type of flick so prevalent back then....)


What I remember the most about the movie was the final scene.  Just as the robot went to launch missile attacks, the hero engaged the robot in war gaming--having it play out all of the possible end scenarios.  As the robot processed through the strategies and probable outcomes, it realized this was a game that no one could win.


Affairs are much the same way, particularly ones that encompass the heart.  Eventually the relationship will progress to a level high enough to require a commitment.  (Very few people have the fortitude or patience to remain the "other" man or woman forever, and few married people can sustain long term affairs successfully.)


At that point, a choice will have to be made.  Someone will get hurt.  Often, everyone will get hurt.


The simplistic solution remains to avoid the situation entirely. But generally-speaking, this is not possible.  One cannot avoid the world.  There will be temptations, and most likely at some point there will be a cosmic moment.  You may take Dennis' approach  -- or Doug's -- but the decision you make will define the rest of your life.


*name changed to protect identity, of course

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