Flirting with disaster
| Labels: culture and society, food for thought, love and relationships, psychology, written by Rio Denali | Posted On
written by Rio Denali
What happens when you meet the person of your dreams... but you are already married?
A while ago, I wrote an article, Why do People Cheat?, chronicling the affairs of two of my best friends. Both led charmed lives with a handsome husband who adored them, a great sex life, financial security, adorable children... And, both said they still loved their spouse. They risked it all to have purely recreational affairs--fun and games with no emotional component. Neither were in love with the "other man" and told me that even if they were single they would never consider a serious relationship with him.But, what happens when there is more to it? What happens when you meet the person of your dreams, but are already married to someone else?
Two of my closest male friends have faced this recently.
After 6 years of marriage, Dennis* is not happy and realizes that unless he leaves his wife, he may never be. Chalk it up to irreconcilable differences (he wants children but his wife refuses) or perhaps growing apart (they are no longer connecting on many levels), either way his marriage is dying a slow death.
I think it's naively romantic to imagine there is only one happy ending possible, or that there is only one "right" person for each of us. The potential number of good matches is very small, but in the course of our lifetime we will meet a few of them--that perfect moment when the planets collide and two people connect on levels that take their breath away.
But, what happens if you are married when this cosmic collusion occurs?
For Dennis, there was only one answer. After a whirlwind week of constant conversation and dreaming of nothing but her....he did the "right" thing and broke it off completely. He said it wasn't fair to the woman of his dreams, nor his wife. Although his marriage probably couldn't be repaired, he could not morally close the door until the last effort had been exhausted.There is a natural process that happens when a relationship ends, and the longer the history between the two people, the longer the process can take. Relationships take time to grow; they also take time to die. And until the final exhale, and you are done grieving, you remain entangled in the past.
My friend Doug's* story went a different path. He maintained the affair for some time, eventually making plans to leave his wife. He could not resist the siren's call of new love. In the end though....things did not go as he planned. After he came clean with his spouse, they decided to make a last-ditch effort to work out their problems and salvage the marriage.
In both cases, the men were left feeling emotionally vulnerable and raw. The "other" women went through a dark and painful journey, and were ultimately left alone by the men they loved. And, Doug's wife was emotionally devastated when she learned her husband had fallen in love with another woman.
Can either marriage be salvaged? I doubt it, but they have to try.
In the 80's I saw a movie called "War Games", where a game-playing robot was created to guard/use the "launch" button on the United States' nuclear arsenal in case of human incapacitation. Of course, something went wrong and it seized control during a training event....almost creating a nuclear war. (Classic robot-taking-over type of flick so prevalent back then....)
What I remember the most about the movie was the final scene. Just as the robot went to launch missile attacks, the hero engaged the robot in war gaming--having it play out all of the possible end scenarios. As the robot processed through the strategies and probable outcomes, it realized this was a game that no one could win.
Affairs are much the same way, particularly ones that encompass the heart. Eventually the relationship will progress to a level high enough to require a commitment. (Very few people have the fortitude or patience to remain the "other" man or woman forever, and few married people can sustain long term affairs successfully.)At that point, a choice will have to be made. Someone will get hurt. Often, everyone will get hurt.
The simplistic solution remains to avoid the situation entirely. But generally-speaking, this is not possible. One cannot avoid the world. There will be temptations, and most likely at some point there will be a cosmic moment. You may take Dennis' approach -- or Doug's -- but the decision you make will define the rest of your life.
*name changed to protect identity, of course
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- This article was originally featured on RioDancesOnTheSand.com, a blog for the thinking person... Written by Rio Denali, a 30-something with peculiar curiosities, who makes the observations that many of us avoid. Full of useful links and entertaining articles, it is a fun favorite for the intelligent reader. For more great articles like this, please visit RioDancesOnTheSand.com.
